Wednesday, February 23, 2005

There are distinct differences between a Boy Scout and a Bad Boy

- The Boy Scout helps the elderly lady across the street safely.
- The Bad Boy helps the elderly lady in a wheelchair by pushing her down a hill.

- The Boy Scout helps direct the police officer to where the criminal ran.
- The Bad Boy points the officer in the opposite direction and giggles afterward.

- The Boy Scout politely asks for a glass of fruit punch at the school party.
- The Bad Boy empties a pint of his favorite rum or vodka into the punch bowl and has a toast with his friends.

- While passing the police man in the family vehicle, the Boy Scout gives a friendly wave to Officer Friendly.
- The Bad Boy gives an unfriendly hand gesture to Officer Friendly.

- The Boy Scout turns in his homework assignments on time.
- The Bad Boy copies the homework assignment from the Boy Scout.
- In return, the Boy Scout gets to keep his life.

- The Boy Scout runs in to the burning school and saves his fellow students. He is then honored for his courageous efforts in the local newspapers.
- The Bad Boy high-fives his fellow greasers in celebration while their school is burning. He then takes it upon himself to declare to his classmates that school has been dismissed for the rest of the day. The students all cheer and then leave.

- The Boy Scout sacrifices his coat so that a pretty classmate can walk over the puddle without getting wet.
- As the pretty classmate walks close to the puddle, the Bad Boy zooms over the puddle with his bike, soaking the girl.

- The Boy Scout must demonstrate to his Scout Master the proper "Boy Scout handshake."
- The Bad Boy's gang handshake is in the form of a punch into the shoulder blade.

- The Boy Scout uses his spare time for worthy charity causes.
- The Bad Boy considers "charity" to be giving his pals a free smoke.

- The Boy Scout continually does good, and yet the girls turn him down.
- The Bad Boy can make it all the way to third base just by being, well, bad.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Introducing ALL GONE!

The natural organic sports drink alternative for those needing a quick pick-me-upper.

Tired of those supposed "healthy" beverages with hidden high sugar contents and artificial ingredients? Well here at ALL GONE!, we not only add zero sugars to our organic sports drinks, but we also add an assortment of natural ingredients, which equates to zero taste for your quenching thirst. Health at the expense of taste. What a deal!

Stranded in a desert and dehydrating? ALL GONE! will replenish your dried up system with only the finest organic matter available. Because we care that your stuck alone in a vast desert, and, more importantly, your bodily functions are in dire need because of a lack of electrolytes to propel you through the day!

Unlike "other" sports drinks, ALL GONE! is packed with earthly organic vitamins and minerals in the form of predigested liquids to accelerate, not deflate, your body's deserved demand for robust energy. This is because we carefully select our foods from only the most trusted agriculturalists from around the world before extracting them for optimum health. And we've received countless awards honoring our second-to-none science department of nutritionists, who are continually studying and strategically developing ingredient plans for maximizing your workout performance level.

In our commitment to reducing environmental impact, ALL GONE! is also devoted to recycling used plastic bottles found in alleys and streets, trash bins, and polluted streams and rivers. Plus, in our commitment to avoiding harmful chemicals, we do not reclean these recycled materials. A spiritual benefit to you, the green consumer, and, us, the cheap, money-grubbing profiteer! No other company can make this fantastic promise to environmental stewardship.

ALL GONE! is busy working to make it possible for your body to reach and exceed workout levels never envisioned. With our scientific studies and implementations of those results, we here at headquarters believe that you will be 100 percent satisfied with this elixir of life known as ALL GONE!

So say "ALL GONE!" to the "other" sports drinks, and "ALRIGHT!" to ALL GONE!

(Ingredients: beets, carrots, kale, seaweed, broccoli, twigs & stems, chlorella, spirulina, birch bark, black soil, lawn grass, alfalfa, daikon radish, chamomile, rutabaga, parsnip, salmon brains, turnip, hay, wheat grass, beet, parsley, wild blue algae, spinach, celery, lettuce, potato, tree leaves, sea salt, and many other unknowing herbs and greens, to include our newly discovered "alien organisms" from NASA space exploration!)

ALL GONE HARDCORE! is an additional new product we're proud about. HARDCORE! combines the energy demands of regular ALL GONE! with the demand for those ex-coffee drinkers.

Sluggish and can't seem to get going in the morning? Well ALL GONE HARDCORE! replaces your caffeine craving with questionable scientific nutrition that will give you the jolt needed--and then some! You'll motor around the work office like some child with a severe tantrum case, or out compete your high school star kid at the very sport they are suppose to beat the parent in. HARDCORE! gets you going and keeps you going THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH!

So, what are you waiting for? Don't walk, but run to your grocery store! And remember; say "ALL GONE!" to other coffee alternatives, and "ALRIGHT!" to ALL GONE HARDCORE!

(Ingredients: rock slime, animal rot, cow dung, poison ivy, campfire ashes, prickly thistles, acid rain, sheep wool, spider web, dog slobber, nutrient-rich compost, mold, snot, lice, bone, worm, and a whole host of others, to include our scientific breakthrough, "moving mud." Fantastic!)

(Side effects: diarhea, severe migraines, loss of appetite, stomach pain, uncontrollable vomiting, hallucinations, temporary paralysis, loss of reflexes, diminished vision, fever, impetus, comma, clamy skin, dry mouth, and at times a general lack of all bodily functions.)

Monday, February 21, 2005

Safety Tips through the eyes of a pizza delivery driver

Delivery driver motto: Be fast on your feet, not on the street.
PP: Speed and take chances!

[Approaching a stop sign]
PP: No cop, no stop!

From the employee safety guidelines handbook: Never leave your car running alone. Someone might steal it.
PP: Who cares. It's a piece of @#$% anyway.

We guarantee delivery within 30 minutes or it's free!
PP: This location is proud to hold the state record for traffic violations. Like the time Jimmy decided to cut through a residents yard to save drive time. Or when the manager was short help one night and asked a new employee to deliver a pizza with his car even though she didn't have a license.

From the Department of Transportation: When a green stoplight changes to yellow, this means be prepared to stop.
PP: [Delivery driver laughs.]

More from the employee safety guidelines handbook: (1) Owning car insurance is the most basic and essential foundation for a safe delivery driver.
PP: "... yeah, dude, I'm getting a really nice rate on my policy. This is because I have none."

(2) Always attaching a lighted company delivery sign to your car displays a professional image as well as notifying other drivers and residents of your identity.
PP: "Hahaha... that's &%$#ing stupid, man. I've actually gotten myself out of a couple situations with the police. They were chasing me for going to fast on the main drag, so I ditched them and removed my car sign. I drove right by them later and they never even knew. So much for following the law."

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Political language can sometimes be deceiving

Politician: No comment
Perverse Pencil: I'm guilty as hell!

President Bush: My new Clear Skies program will cut pollutants across the board.
PP: Future data results reveal pollution will increase by four fold compared to the Clean Air Act, to include several timely journalist snap shoots of children gasping for breath as the President declares his program a triumph.

P: I have no recollection of that name.
PP: My old golfing buddy. We've done many 'high wheeling deals' together at the private country club. But you didn't hear it from me.

P: I assure you the tax payers dollars are going to the appropriate funds.
PP: Like into my Carnival Cruises account.

P: The rumors on my having a mistress are false accusations trumped up by my political opponent. I have been a devoted husband and father throughout my marriage.
PP: It looks as though the mansion I want to purchase in the richies district is bankrupt considering my wife will take half of everything I own in divorce settlements.

P: It's been a real pleasure and honor to have served the people.
PP: And especially to my special interest pals which I helped fatten wallets for personal gain in return.

P: It is my promise and commitment to you to not add any new taxes.
PP: Except the "other" tax hikes that will not go in to affect until after my term.

[*Glowing* smile and choreographed circular hand waves like that in which you'd find at parades]
PP: It sure feels good to have won this tight and heated candidate race despite the backs I've had to stab.

P: Lets get a picture of the Governor playing ball with the neighborhood kids.
PP: We need the Governor to appear to connect with the average person, despite the fact that the multi-millionaire was born rich and has never had to sweat one day in his/her whole life.

P: Apparently my opponent could not be with us tonight for our live televised debate.
PP: [Hired hitmen are staging a suicide with the lifeless body they executed.]

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day from Johnny Vato

Everyone's favorite misguided mob man is having trouble with the same thing men the world over have trouble with every Valentine's Day: Expressing emotions to their loved one. Here are a few poems Johnny was working on that ended up getting him (1) a drink on his expensive dinner suit, (2) a plant pot crushed over his head, and, (3) his BMW rolled off a cliff. Be gentle, love birds. Johnny has feelings, too:

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
unfortunately the flowers I sent you
never quite made it through.

My love,
I promise you are the only one;
Please remind me
not to forget to pack the gun.

A tisket,
a tasket,
my love for you is displayed
with a funeral casket.

You are the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen;
Please remember this
when you've caught me with the pageant queen.