Tuesday, October 24, 2006

application for employment

Personal Information

Name: Guido "DontordermearoundorIllblowaholeinyou" Lambuchi
Address: that mansion at the top of the hill
Previous address: a different mansion at the top of a hill
Phone: 227-8355 (C-A-R-T-E-L-L)

Do you have the legal right to work in the USA? No, but I can be very persuasive.

Type of work desired: The type that pays the most: ownership.
Date available: When I feel like it, punk.

Do you have a current drivers license? Yes, but I wouldn't recommend looking up my record, unless you wanna die.


Final grade completed: I dropped out early to help run the family business.

Subjects of special study or research work: I have read many books and consider myself an expert in preparing Italian meals.
Scholastic honors, scholarships, assistantships, etc.: I have been honored by my family and friends for taking out former crime lord and competitor, Jimmy V.
Licenses, certificates, publications, inventions, or patents: I am carrying a forged gun permit, and in a roundabout way I have a patent on all the freight traveling from here to the east coast.
Special training: Back-alley street fighting and weapons training in locally run mob academy.
Special skills: I can kill a man with my hands. Plus CIA-like experience in evading law enforcements.

Former Employers

Name of present or last employer: Conited Artists
Address: Hollywood, CA
Type of business: Illegal shipment of products disguised as legitimate film distribution company.
Position: Distribution Manager
Starting and Leaving dates: 2/2006 to 10/2006
Reason for leaving: The feds came and busted us down. Thankfully I got away.
May we contact your supervisor? No, Angelo's still serving his sentence.

Previous employer: Marco's Tropical Bar & Eatery
Address: somewhere in the Phillipine Islands
Type of business: An establishment where family and friends eat and do business together.
Position: Bar and Restaurant Manager
Starting and leaving dates: 6/2001 to 8/2005
Reason for leaving: A bad reference came to do business with a wire. The whole shindig went down in smoke and we had to bail.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I cannot locate my brother Marco. He is on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list.

Previous employer: Boats & Bullets
Address: various boats on the Atlantic Ocean
Type of business: Importing/exporting of weapons between the eastern US and western European borders.
Position: Transportation and Security Operator
Starting and leaving dates: 7/1998 to 3/2001
Reason for leaving: That new idiot president Bush passed tougher border controls. Up until that time the Coast Guard were very accomodating.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I killed the lying scumbag.


List three references who you have known for atleast one year: Carlos, Federico, and Vincente.
May we contact these references? Yes, but I wouldn't call them during the ball game or dinner. Otherwise there'll be a car waiting for you.

Have you been convicted of a felony within the last 5 years? No comment.

Comments: I am a very influential man. Things can get ugly for you if you do not agree to my demands, like the time I dropped a man in a pool of leeches. Your options are either a slow and painful death, or I will be taking over your business with no questions asked. You will find me to be the most generous of business partners: an 80/20 (me/you) split is considered more than fair considering I will bring in more money for you than your business has ever made. All you have to do is continue to use your business as a front for my plans.

You'll find me to be the most accomodating of associates, and I look forward to our business venture together.


PS- If your employees ever touch my Lexus, I will chain them to the back of my car and drive off.

Friday, October 20, 2006

skeptical advertising part 4

"Open! 7 nights a week through October"
PP: Then the pilgrims come and take over.

"Save $500 or More"
PP: On a purchase of $10,000 or More.

PP: We'll exchange it for another used chain saw but sharpened.

PP: Isn't it good to know our leaders are coming up with such insightful test results?

"Call for Open or League bowling"
PP: Cause the "Open" bowling might be closed.

"An organization that serves, serves... and keeps on serving."
PP: A little too much service for my taste. I was just hoping for some old fashioned service.

"Tired of yardwork?"
PP:Yeah, but unlike the realty ad, everyone knows that buying a house is the surest way to more yardwork.

"22 restaurants offering Buy One Get One Free Valued over $185 for only $20"
PP: Note: Some restaurants may be out of business.

"Catholic Daughters Annual Style Show"
PP: They don't like regular daughters I guess.

PP: Dress warm. You might be out in the snow for a while.

"I AM Woman... Hear Me SHOP!"
PP: But that would mean us guys would have to come shopping with you.

Housing: "PENDING"
PP: Pending the bind we're in for selling property on former nuclear test grounds.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

smart raps

Someone here give me a quick rap beat...

I was looking for some booty,
instead she gave me tootie fruities,
so I told her I had kooties,
and she gave me the boot-y.

C'mon, G, c'mon, bring in the house...

I like to rap,
but I look like a sap,
can you teach me to adapt,
so I can have me some of 'that'!

SPREAD IT OUT, and bring it back in...

I'm just a boy
in need of some noise,
can you bring me my girl toy
so I can feel the joy.

YO YO YO! Listen up...

The girls think I'm on fire,
but all the sex makes me tired,
the cops got me on hire,
so I can nab the homies with a wire.

that ought to get me a really smart date,
but just don't tell her I hate
her dumb sister Kate.

The Tough Club

Requirements include:

1. Play 'Ding Dong Ditch' with the school principal
2. Punch a brick wall with full force
3. Tell the school bully you'll meet him outside at 3pm sharp!
4. Drive your dirt bike through a newly remodeled home
5. Challenge the Road Warriors to a wrestling match (1 on 2, now that's tough!)
6. Play the running back position without any pads
7. Tell someone to kick you in the balls really hard
8. Peddle full board on a 10-speed and turn really sharp onto a sandy street
9. Throw snow balls at police cars
10. Break up with your really hot girlfriend because of schedule issues due to fulfilling the Tough Club requirements

Are YOU tough enough?!

Note: Helmet is optional.

Note 2: Tough Club requirements are considered fictional and shouldn't be considered realistic expectations from the author. Perverse, Inc. cannot be held responsible for your own stupidity.