Thursday, October 22, 2009

An interview with Michael Myers

I had the rare opportunity to do an interview with the one and only Haddonfield Horror (or Headache depending upon who you ask), aka Michael Myers. He was quite chatty, and he was suprisingly knowledgeable about his Hollywood surroundings. I'd even say he was intelligent and informing. We got along well, and he was quite tranquil for the time -- because he didn't kill me!

Interviewer: So Michael, what do you during down time?

Michael: watch

Interviewer: Are you seeing anybody about your condition?

Michael: I'm seeing a psychologist. After he gets me out of another tight jam with the law, he'll get it too!

Interviewer: Do you have a favorite Halloween food?

Michael: 'Cat Stuffed with Pumpkin'

Interviewer: You walk so slow, yet you're still able to kill. How is that?

Michael: When the victims are too stupid to follow their instincts, it's quite easy really.

Interviewer: Is Laurie really dead?

Michael: I dunno? The Hollywood execs keep bringing her back to life, so I kill every female I come across in case it really is her.

Interviewer: How about Doctor Loomis?

Michael: I gutted him because his constant cackling was getting on my nerves. Wouldn't you?

Interviewer: Yeah, I see your point.

Interviewer: Some complain that your kills are not as inventive as Jason's. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Well, I'm more your traditional killer. I like to grab-'em-and-gouge-'em. It gives me a higher success rate. I think my fans have come to appreciate that.

Interviewer: There are certain "alumni" that make repeat appearances in your films...

Michael: --Yeah, next time I will have to take off their heads. The old stab-'em-in-the-stomach must not be a certain enough of a kill.

Interviewer: All these that really the same "you" in them?

Michael: It is. The complaint was I wasn't walking as fluidly after the original film (Nick Castle), but when you've had as many lascerations and pumped with as many shells as I have been -- what do you expect?! Plus I'd put on a little weight in a few of them. I mean, I go in hiding the other 364 days of the year!

Interviewer: Some young fans want to know if you ever bathe?

Michael: Not usually, but sometimes I will dip in a pond or a lake. It really helps to clear my head and plan my next attack. I also have a large metal tub full of my victims' blood. I immerse myself in it to feel closer to them.

Interviewer: Do you have a significant other?

Michael: I use to, but I had to give them up. My mommy got jealous (in his head), and upon the dawn of every Halloween Day that *chime* would go off, telling me to KILL KILL KILL! There wasn't any point in becoming emotionally involved when the relationship wouldn't last more than a year.

Interviewer: Well that about covers it. I'd like to thank you for your time. Now, you're not going to kill me, are you?

Michael: Not to worry. You'd have to be NUTS to wanna do an interview with me. That is a reason in itself to keep you alive. [dark laughter]

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