Monday, February 24, 2014

By my calculations... (BMC)

BMC. . . the success rate of the "remix" is so low, you have a better chance at singing to yourself, no matter how poorly.

BMC. . . you will have a higher survival rate jumping off a bridge than seeing the Minnesota Vikings win a Super Bowl in your lifetime.

BMC. . . if you hit on a girl and she says, "Get the hell away from me, creep!", your chances of success a second time are even lower.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

new car acronyms

I will add more as I think of them...

Buy Used, It's a Cash Kill

Cams Are Making A Raunchy Odor

Company Hires Engineers Very Young

Don't Overdo Drive, Gears Exhausted

Former Owner Recommends Destroying
Failed Object Returned to Dealer
Faithful Owner Returns Dead

Gauge Malfunction Continues

Just Estimate Every Problem 

Kills Individuals Annually

Ranger (Ford)
Rubbish, And Not Good Even Rebuilt

Says Anything To Undo Repair Negligence


Car Lucky Until Transmission Couldn't Hold

Mini (Van)
Mom's Industry Need Indefinitely

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

good use of taxpayer dollars

Millions of research dollars later, the International Committee on Psychology says:

Humanity's doomed. Lets go drink.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

An interview with Michael Myers

I had the rare opportunity to do an interview with the one and only Haddonfield Horror (or Headache depending upon who you ask), aka Michael Myers. He was quite chatty, and he was suprisingly knowledgeable about his Hollywood surroundings. I'd even say he was intelligent and informing. We got along well, and he was quite tranquil for the time -- because he didn't kill me!

Interviewer: So Michael, what do you during down time?

Michael: watch

Interviewer: Are you seeing anybody about your condition?

Michael: I'm seeing a psychologist. After he gets me out of another tight jam with the law, he'll get it too!

Interviewer: Do you have a favorite Halloween food?

Michael: 'Cat Stuffed with Pumpkin'

Interviewer: You walk so slow, yet you're still able to kill. How is that?

Michael: When the victims are too stupid to follow their instincts, it's quite easy really.

Interviewer: Is Laurie really dead?

Michael: I dunno? The Hollywood execs keep bringing her back to life, so I kill every female I come across in case it really is her.

Interviewer: How about Doctor Loomis?

Michael: I gutted him because his constant cackling was getting on my nerves. Wouldn't you?

Interviewer: Yeah, I see your point.

Interviewer: Some complain that your kills are not as inventive as Jason's. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Well, I'm more your traditional killer. I like to grab-'em-and-gouge-'em. It gives me a higher success rate. I think my fans have come to appreciate that.

Interviewer: There are certain "alumni" that make repeat appearances in your films...

Michael: --Yeah, next time I will have to take off their heads. The old stab-'em-in-the-stomach must not be a certain enough of a kill.

Interviewer: All these that really the same "you" in them?

Michael: It is. The complaint was I wasn't walking as fluidly after the original film (Nick Castle), but when you've had as many lascerations and pumped with as many shells as I have been -- what do you expect?! Plus I'd put on a little weight in a few of them. I mean, I go in hiding the other 364 days of the year!

Interviewer: Some young fans want to know if you ever bathe?

Michael: Not usually, but sometimes I will dip in a pond or a lake. It really helps to clear my head and plan my next attack. I also have a large metal tub full of my victims' blood. I immerse myself in it to feel closer to them.

Interviewer: Do you have a significant other?

Michael: I use to, but I had to give them up. My mommy got jealous (in his head), and upon the dawn of every Halloween Day that *chime* would go off, telling me to KILL KILL KILL! There wasn't any point in becoming emotionally involved when the relationship wouldn't last more than a year.

Interviewer: Well that about covers it. I'd like to thank you for your time. Now, you're not going to kill me, are you?

Michael: Not to worry. You'd have to be NUTS to wanna do an interview with me. That is a reason in itself to keep you alive. [dark laughter]

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Big Penis Syndrome

This syndrome can be characterized by the individual having many deficiencies, but as long as they have a large schlong, than all else is forgiven by their confidant. For example:

The Couch Potato-
I have no job, my gut is ever-expanding, and my idea of "physical training" is lifting a 12oz. or the remote. But as long as my peter doesn't shrink -- who cares!

Cars make great "f--k mobiles." Having a big pecker allows you to get by on even the rustiest of sorts for all that matters is you have a car -- any car! If you are not one of the gifted, you probably have to overcompensate by owning a vehicle a notch or two up in class. Hence the big penis owner has an advantage by saving money, too.

Well, you don't need one. You can be the biggest, most piggish prick imaginable, but as long as your big tool continues to perform at optimum girth and/or length, relationship tensions usually can be solved in the bedroom. The rest of us have to go see a psychologist (maybe to subconsciously address that our "size" is the "real" issue -- LOL!). No, life isn't fair.

The grungy look is almost always acceptable to the beholder of a big one. Jeans with holes are OK provided they are attractively form-fitting. You can look like a right slob, but for the rest of us that means our main store outlet cannot be the Five & Dime, for clothing, not big penis, is all we have to feel adequate.

You can be the biggest idiot and still get by as long as he's giving her 'The Big O'. Many men have an inferiority complex (not mentioning names) and proceed to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars better educating themselves. These men strive to be the best in their field. They have a level of determination that is unmatched. Some become wealthy, and as a whole they are respected amongst their peers. However, many still end up feeling inferior to the person with the big penis. Hence why not all men were created equal.

Friday, June 08, 2007

skeptical auto advertising

"local trade"
T: I told my brother I'd help him get rid of this "lemon" in exchange for part of the profits.

"Balance of Factory Warranty"
T: A few miles and/or days left.

"Great Family Transportation"
T: Crayon marks all over the interior from the kids.

T: It is we who are loaded with salesman BS.

"Hates Gas"
T: Some young punks poured sugar down the tank.

"Lotza Goodies"
T: With loads of mechanical suprises...

"8 pass"
T: No thanks. I'll just pass on her once.

"3.4L V6 is bad, loud knock, haul home $1200"
T: Keeper! LOL!

"Cute Small"
T: No backseat sex

"Looks like new"
T: Drives like old

"Flashy Interior"
T: Sunglasses recommended when driving

"Test Driven"
T: I think we can hide the *ticking* noise if we keep the fan on high.

T: The cars in control, not you

"1992 Chevy Suburban $3.375"
T: Bargain basement giveaway

skeptical advertising, part 5

"$5 mail-in rebate"
Translation: We just made an extra five bucks off you.

"5 piece steel folding patio set"
T: Comfortably cushionless

"$99.99 indoor/outdoor bar with stools"
T: Apparently it doesn't matter if it's raining when your drunk.

"Land-O-Lakes Fat Free Chocolate Milk"
T: But with all the sugar you're bound to put fat on.

"Better Value cat food $4.99"
T: Cost me more in the long run cause mine just look at it.

"Green Label 9" paper plates -- 88 cents"
T: 10 of these equals the durability of one of the "other" brands.

"Hy-Top Fruit Snacks"
T: Little fruit, lots of sugar

"Iron Out $7.99"
T: Porcelain out, too.

"Oklahoma/Iowa Steel Cattle Panel"
T: From across the country we've been helping farmers put their cattle in jail.

"18 inch Driveway Applicator"
T: How does the car fit in?

"Sportsman Generator"
T: Living the outdoor life is grand when you bring the city with you.

"Jersey Gloves"
T: Used for slapping New Yorkians

"Gas grill w/ tank"
T: Usually helps

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Fal-Apart: The leading retail competitor to Wal-Mart

Many customers will give an untrustworthy eye to our products designed to compete, and beat, Walmart's. Skeptics will ask: How can they sell their products at much lower prices than the Big "W"? The answer is simple: Our products are made with a lot of hot air and filler. In other words, they're cheap. But backed with a 30-minute money back guarantee, you can't go wrong!

Our customer service is really what gets the community talking. Walmart prides itself on fakery plastic smiles, but you'll find noone of that lipstick service at Falapart. If we're moody, we don't mind -- and neither should you. Honesty goes a long way. Customers appreciate that. You'll also hear their employees speak artificial lines like, "I hope you enjoyed your visit at Walmart." Around here you're more likely to hear Vinny yell, "...and don't come back, cow!" Other customer service accolades include our employees roaming the aisles for no apparent reason at all. Or you'll hear our cashierists calling for help too many times to count. Don't be alarmed, we're doing our best. That's service!

Falapart prides itself on cleanliness. We've won many first-place awards. Have you ever heard the term "pigsty?" Yeah, that's right. You'll like tripping over last week's sale items, or the time a lady slipped on a puddle and cracked her head open because Bubba said, "Fuck it!" That lawsuit nearly put us under, but that's another story...

Our managerial support is unique and a class above the rest. 15-minute breaks turn into hours, and sometimes Fredo can be found in back smoking a doobie to Cheech & Chong's "Nice Dreams." One time even the District Manager showed up. We thought we were dead, but all he really said was: "Nice job. If this place blows over tomorrow, nobody will care. I've made more money for my bosses than you've ever seen. A nice promotion for myself and everybody wins... Now how bout showing me some respect and pass over that bong."

Unlike Walmart, we don't do none of that "outsourcing" of jobs. Government's legal department must rake in millions off them. All the products you see on our shelves are made right here in the good old U.S. of A. ...Huh, maybe that's why they're shit?... Anyhow, all our employees come from right here, too, or nearly... We hand pick our aliens from our fellow neighbors, Mexico. And since our government doesn't know the first thing about borders patrol, everyone is starting to do it. So it's all good to go.

Now getting back to those can't-be-beat prices, a few of this week's Falapart sale item comparisons are...

Walmart - Apple 2 GB Silver iPod Nano $147.88
Falapart - Lemon 2 GB Cracked iPod Zero $73.94 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Barbie Fashion Fever Dolls $5
Falapart - Generic Moody Bitch Dolls $2.55

Walmart - Classic Hasboro Board Games: Clue, Battleship, Life, Sorry $8
Falapart - Tragic Johnny Board Games: FBI's Most Wanted, Monopolize, Blow Up the World, Steroid Athlete $4

Walmart - Lifetime Pro Court Portable Basketball Goal $68.84
Falapart - Milk crate, ball, and nails $19.99 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Star Wars Darth Vader Voice Changer $10
Falapart - Pee Wee Herman Voice Changer $6

Walmart - XBox 360 Bundle $479.64
Falapart - Hot XBox 360 Bundle $239.92 *Supersaver*

Falapart: Where uncertainty can lead to a goldmine of savings!