Friday, June 08, 2007

skeptical auto advertising

"local trade"
T: I told my brother I'd help him get rid of this "lemon" in exchange for part of the profits.

"Balance of Factory Warranty"
T: A few miles and/or days left.

"Great Family Transportation"
T: Crayon marks all over the interior from the kids.

T: It is we who are loaded with salesman BS.

"Hates Gas"
T: Some young punks poured sugar down the tank.

"Lotza Goodies"
T: With loads of mechanical suprises...

"8 pass"
T: No thanks. I'll just pass on her once.

"3.4L V6 is bad, loud knock, haul home $1200"
T: Keeper! LOL!

"Cute Small"
T: No backseat sex

"Looks like new"
T: Drives like old

"Flashy Interior"
T: Sunglasses recommended when driving

"Test Driven"
T: I think we can hide the *ticking* noise if we keep the fan on high.

T: The cars in control, not you

"1992 Chevy Suburban $3.375"
T: Bargain basement giveaway

skeptical advertising, part 5

"$5 mail-in rebate"
Translation: We just made an extra five bucks off you.

"5 piece steel folding patio set"
T: Comfortably cushionless

"$99.99 indoor/outdoor bar with stools"
T: Apparently it doesn't matter if it's raining when your drunk.

"Land-O-Lakes Fat Free Chocolate Milk"
T: But with all the sugar you're bound to put fat on.

"Better Value cat food $4.99"
T: Cost me more in the long run cause mine just look at it.

"Green Label 9" paper plates -- 88 cents"
T: 10 of these equals the durability of one of the "other" brands.

"Hy-Top Fruit Snacks"
T: Little fruit, lots of sugar

"Iron Out $7.99"
T: Porcelain out, too.

"Oklahoma/Iowa Steel Cattle Panel"
T: From across the country we've been helping farmers put their cattle in jail.

"18 inch Driveway Applicator"
T: How does the car fit in?

"Sportsman Generator"
T: Living the outdoor life is grand when you bring the city with you.

"Jersey Gloves"
T: Used for slapping New Yorkians

"Gas grill w/ tank"
T: Usually helps

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Fal-Apart: The leading retail competitor to Wal-Mart

Many customers will give an untrustworthy eye to our products designed to compete, and beat, Walmart's. Skeptics will ask: How can they sell their products at much lower prices than the Big "W"? The answer is simple: Our products are made with a lot of hot air and filler. In other words, they're cheap. But backed with a 30-minute money back guarantee, you can't go wrong!

Our customer service is really what gets the community talking. Walmart prides itself on fakery plastic smiles, but you'll find noone of that lipstick service at Falapart. If we're moody, we don't mind -- and neither should you. Honesty goes a long way. Customers appreciate that. You'll also hear their employees speak artificial lines like, "I hope you enjoyed your visit at Walmart." Around here you're more likely to hear Vinny yell, "...and don't come back, cow!" Other customer service accolades include our employees roaming the aisles for no apparent reason at all. Or you'll hear our cashierists calling for help too many times to count. Don't be alarmed, we're doing our best. That's service!

Falapart prides itself on cleanliness. We've won many first-place awards. Have you ever heard the term "pigsty?" Yeah, that's right. You'll like tripping over last week's sale items, or the time a lady slipped on a puddle and cracked her head open because Bubba said, "Fuck it!" That lawsuit nearly put us under, but that's another story...

Our managerial support is unique and a class above the rest. 15-minute breaks turn into hours, and sometimes Fredo can be found in back smoking a doobie to Cheech & Chong's "Nice Dreams." One time even the District Manager showed up. We thought we were dead, but all he really said was: "Nice job. If this place blows over tomorrow, nobody will care. I've made more money for my bosses than you've ever seen. A nice promotion for myself and everybody wins... Now how bout showing me some respect and pass over that bong."

Unlike Walmart, we don't do none of that "outsourcing" of jobs. Government's legal department must rake in millions off them. All the products you see on our shelves are made right here in the good old U.S. of A. ...Huh, maybe that's why they're shit?... Anyhow, all our employees come from right here, too, or nearly... We hand pick our aliens from our fellow neighbors, Mexico. And since our government doesn't know the first thing about borders patrol, everyone is starting to do it. So it's all good to go.

Now getting back to those can't-be-beat prices, a few of this week's Falapart sale item comparisons are...

Walmart - Apple 2 GB Silver iPod Nano $147.88
Falapart - Lemon 2 GB Cracked iPod Zero $73.94 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Barbie Fashion Fever Dolls $5
Falapart - Generic Moody Bitch Dolls $2.55

Walmart - Classic Hasboro Board Games: Clue, Battleship, Life, Sorry $8
Falapart - Tragic Johnny Board Games: FBI's Most Wanted, Monopolize, Blow Up the World, Steroid Athlete $4

Walmart - Lifetime Pro Court Portable Basketball Goal $68.84
Falapart - Milk crate, ball, and nails $19.99 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Star Wars Darth Vader Voice Changer $10
Falapart - Pee Wee Herman Voice Changer $6

Walmart - XBox 360 Bundle $479.64
Falapart - Hot XBox 360 Bundle $239.92 *Supersaver*

Falapart: Where uncertainty can lead to a goldmine of savings!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Top 10 Environmental Movies

Environmentalist's are considered "wackos," and therefore "anti-people." So it's only natural to cheer for those movies which have a premise to destroy humans.

10. Jaws (1975)
An obvious choice, but it wasn't the shark's fault the kid on the air tube mimiced a turtle. And apparently experienced sharker's Shaw and Dreyfuss didn't heed Scheider's warning: "You're gonna need a bigger boat." Jaws lost in the end, but not before some good human-as-bait carnage and "don't go in the water" stupidity. The peaceful community of Amity was never the same.

9. Grizzly (1976)
The book says, "Giant, killer grizzly terrorizes a state park in this 'Jaws' rip-off." I'm more inclined to think it's the campers heads who get ripped-off. Such a shame. People just never learn to keep their food out of the tent.

8. Gremlins (1984)
This quaint Rockwellian family town gets a good dose of creature discomfort. The foolish father Peltzer is deaf to the wise man's warnings, and all hell breaks loose in the form of Gremlin death and destruction. I love the bar scenes and the general sense that free-loading mayhem is the norm amongst a bunch of bandits. (The Gremlins picked up on alcohol faster than a teenager could shout, "keg party!") I've never laughed so hard at human pain and suffering. A must-see in black and tragic comedy!

7. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1977)
When people don't eat their vegetables -- *SPLAT* happens! Due to neglect (and presumably competition from the fast food industry), tomatoes go on a rolling rampage of revenge. Next time consumers might think twice about those often overlooked healthy reds. (OK, so it's a fruit.)

6. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
A cult classic. There's nothing like the undead attacking the living innocent. Wobbling along at a snails pace, they just want to shake your hand -- and taste your flesh. The monsters could've done a little more than claw and moan, but I guess that's understandable with socialphobia.

5. Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958/1993)
"It's a man's world," but not any more. An abused housewife grows to gigantic proportions after an encounter with an alien. Then she takes revenge on others. Recommended to those who tire of testosterne ruling the world. Husbands specifically will have a new found appreciation for their wives.

4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
You know the routine. A group of youngians take a van ride and come face-to-face with cannibalistic psychos. Suprisingly it isn't the actual death scenes that are the most traumatizing but the moments leading up to them: the desolate property the kids approach, the constant humming of machinary (power-tooled cannibal activity presumably), and masses of human bones littering a room. In addition, the dynamite contrasting scene in which one of the captured girls sits at the dinner table in grave shock while the family are havin' a good ole time.

Director Tobe Hooper put the "s" in sicko, and it still is one of the most captivating pieces of grim realism. (How Wayne Bell's psychedelic masterpiece isn't available is beyond me.) BTW, Leatherface makes an excellent Bloody Mary.

3. The Birds (1963)
A classic statement from Hitchcock on environmental degredation due to human footprint. The role of conqueror becomes conquered. Hundreds of thousands of birds flock the inhabitants of Bodega Bay to peck their vengeance. Now if only the birds had pooped on the corpses would we have had a proper burial reading.

2. Soylent Green (1973)
"It's in the food!," shouts police detective Heston. When authorities sink to the darkest depths, the answer is to manufacture their own into food. Set in the 21st Century -- and if I might add, the food industry hadn't progressed much in the taste department.

1. Doctor Who: The Seeds of Doom (1976)

"The time has come. Animals have ruled this planet for millions of years. Now it is our turn."

"People are expendable, but the Krynoid is unique."

The granddaddy of them all. Two mysterious pods (Krynoids) are discovered frozen in the Antarctic. As expected, on of them is given artificial light and grows. It comes to life and bites a researcher, turning him into a walking green vegetable that kills. The Doctor manages to destroy the first, but nutso millionaire Harrison Chase has confiscated the second pod and brought it back to England.

Later the second pod finds a new victim and grows into a gigantic moving blob, possessing Chase as his servant. The Krynoid's purpose is to turn the vegetation hostile and grow to the point where it will germinate the Earth. Can the Doctor stop it in time? The scene where mercenary Scorby panics and bails out of the mansion, being attacked by greenery all around before succumbing to pond weeds, is a memorable one.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Valentine's Day with Johnny Vato

It's everyone's favorite misguided mob boss, Johnny Vato. He's come to dazzle the fraline's with such touching and emotional poems. The ladies will show their appreciation by: (1) a kick in the groin, (2) stepping on his new expensive shades, and (3) dumping a plate full of hot pasta in his lap. Johnny keeps getting it wrong, but try and avoid the three examples above by being nice, ladies. Johnny Vato is a few bucks short in the romance department. Here's suave Johnny:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
a box of chocolates,
and I shall undress you.

Was that an orgasm,
or a muscle spasm?
Well, all that really matters
is that you don't get fatter.

My love,
you are like the stars above;
a rainbow across the sky,
and soon a piece of your pie.

I saw you from afar,
like a heaven-sent star;
too nervous to speak,
I offered the back seat.