Thursday, May 17, 2007

Fal-Apart: The leading retail competitor to Wal-Mart

Many customers will give an untrustworthy eye to our products designed to compete, and beat, Walmart's. Skeptics will ask: How can they sell their products at much lower prices than the Big "W"? The answer is simple: Our products are made with a lot of hot air and filler. In other words, they're cheap. But backed with a 30-minute money back guarantee, you can't go wrong!

Our customer service is really what gets the community talking. Walmart prides itself on fakery plastic smiles, but you'll find noone of that lipstick service at Falapart. If we're moody, we don't mind -- and neither should you. Honesty goes a long way. Customers appreciate that. You'll also hear their employees speak artificial lines like, "I hope you enjoyed your visit at Walmart." Around here you're more likely to hear Vinny yell, "...and don't come back, cow!" Other customer service accolades include our employees roaming the aisles for no apparent reason at all. Or you'll hear our cashierists calling for help too many times to count. Don't be alarmed, we're doing our best. That's service!

Falapart prides itself on cleanliness. We've won many first-place awards. Have you ever heard the term "pigsty?" Yeah, that's right. You'll like tripping over last week's sale items, or the time a lady slipped on a puddle and cracked her head open because Bubba said, "Fuck it!" That lawsuit nearly put us under, but that's another story...

Our managerial support is unique and a class above the rest. 15-minute breaks turn into hours, and sometimes Fredo can be found in back smoking a doobie to Cheech & Chong's "Nice Dreams." One time even the District Manager showed up. We thought we were dead, but all he really said was: "Nice job. If this place blows over tomorrow, nobody will care. I've made more money for my bosses than you've ever seen. A nice promotion for myself and everybody wins... Now how bout showing me some respect and pass over that bong."

Unlike Walmart, we don't do none of that "outsourcing" of jobs. Government's legal department must rake in millions off them. All the products you see on our shelves are made right here in the good old U.S. of A. ...Huh, maybe that's why they're shit?... Anyhow, all our employees come from right here, too, or nearly... We hand pick our aliens from our fellow neighbors, Mexico. And since our government doesn't know the first thing about borders patrol, everyone is starting to do it. So it's all good to go.

Now getting back to those can't-be-beat prices, a few of this week's Falapart sale item comparisons are...

Walmart - Apple 2 GB Silver iPod Nano $147.88
Falapart - Lemon 2 GB Cracked iPod Zero $73.94 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Barbie Fashion Fever Dolls $5
Falapart - Generic Moody Bitch Dolls $2.55

Walmart - Classic Hasboro Board Games: Clue, Battleship, Life, Sorry $8
Falapart - Tragic Johnny Board Games: FBI's Most Wanted, Monopolize, Blow Up the World, Steroid Athlete $4

Walmart - Lifetime Pro Court Portable Basketball Goal $68.84
Falapart - Milk crate, ball, and nails $19.99 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Star Wars Darth Vader Voice Changer $10
Falapart - Pee Wee Herman Voice Changer $6

Walmart - XBox 360 Bundle $479.64
Falapart - Hot XBox 360 Bundle $239.92 *Supersaver*

Falapart: Where uncertainty can lead to a goldmine of savings!

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