Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Top 10 Environmental Movies

Environmentalist's are considered "wackos," and therefore "anti-people." So it's only natural to cheer for those movies which have a premise to destroy humans.

10. Jaws (1975)
An obvious choice, but it wasn't the shark's fault the kid on the air tube mimiced a turtle. And apparently experienced sharker's Shaw and Dreyfuss didn't heed Scheider's warning: "You're gonna need a bigger boat." Jaws lost in the end, but not before some good human-as-bait carnage and "don't go in the water" stupidity. The peaceful community of Amity was never the same.

9. Grizzly (1976)
The book says, "Giant, killer grizzly terrorizes a state park in this 'Jaws' rip-off." I'm more inclined to think it's the campers heads who get ripped-off. Such a shame. People just never learn to keep their food out of the tent.

8. Gremlins (1984)
This quaint Rockwellian family town gets a good dose of creature discomfort. The foolish father Peltzer is deaf to the wise man's warnings, and all hell breaks loose in the form of Gremlin death and destruction. I love the bar scenes and the general sense that free-loading mayhem is the norm amongst a bunch of bandits. (The Gremlins picked up on alcohol faster than a teenager could shout, "keg party!") I've never laughed so hard at human pain and suffering. A must-see in black and tragic comedy!

7. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1977)
When people don't eat their vegetables -- *SPLAT* happens! Due to neglect (and presumably competition from the fast food industry), tomatoes go on a rolling rampage of revenge. Next time consumers might think twice about those often overlooked healthy reds. (OK, so it's a fruit.)

6. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
A cult classic. There's nothing like the undead attacking the living innocent. Wobbling along at a snails pace, they just want to shake your hand -- and taste your flesh. The monsters could've done a little more than claw and moan, but I guess that's understandable with socialphobia.

5. Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958/1993)
"It's a man's world," but not any more. An abused housewife grows to gigantic proportions after an encounter with an alien. Then she takes revenge on others. Recommended to those who tire of testosterne ruling the world. Husbands specifically will have a new found appreciation for their wives.

4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
You know the routine. A group of youngians take a van ride and come face-to-face with cannibalistic psychos. Suprisingly it isn't the actual death scenes that are the most traumatizing but the moments leading up to them: the desolate property the kids approach, the constant humming of machinary (power-tooled cannibal activity presumably), and masses of human bones littering a room. In addition, the dynamite contrasting scene in which one of the captured girls sits at the dinner table in grave shock while the family are havin' a good ole time.

Director Tobe Hooper put the "s" in sicko, and it still is one of the most captivating pieces of grim realism. (How Wayne Bell's psychedelic masterpiece isn't available is beyond me.) BTW, Leatherface makes an excellent Bloody Mary.

3. The Birds (1963)
A classic statement from Hitchcock on environmental degredation due to human footprint. The role of conqueror becomes conquered. Hundreds of thousands of birds flock the inhabitants of Bodega Bay to peck their vengeance. Now if only the birds had pooped on the corpses would we have had a proper burial reading.

2. Soylent Green (1973)
"It's in the food!," shouts police detective Heston. When authorities sink to the darkest depths, the answer is to manufacture their own into food. Set in the 21st Century -- and if I might add, the food industry hadn't progressed much in the taste department.

1. Doctor Who: The Seeds of Doom (1976)

"The time has come. Animals have ruled this planet for millions of years. Now it is our turn."

"People are expendable, but the Krynoid is unique."

The granddaddy of them all. Two mysterious pods (Krynoids) are discovered frozen in the Antarctic. As expected, on of them is given artificial light and grows. It comes to life and bites a researcher, turning him into a walking green vegetable that kills. The Doctor manages to destroy the first, but nutso millionaire Harrison Chase has confiscated the second pod and brought it back to England.

Later the second pod finds a new victim and grows into a gigantic moving blob, possessing Chase as his servant. The Krynoid's purpose is to turn the vegetation hostile and grow to the point where it will germinate the Earth. Can the Doctor stop it in time? The scene where mercenary Scorby panics and bails out of the mansion, being attacked by greenery all around before succumbing to pond weeds, is a memorable one.

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