Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Introducing ALL GONE!

The natural organic sports drink alternative for those needing a quick pick-me-upper.

Tired of those supposed "healthy" beverages with hidden high sugar contents and artificial ingredients? Well here at ALL GONE!, we not only add zero sugars to our organic sports drinks, but we also add an assortment of natural ingredients, which equates to zero taste for your quenching thirst. Health at the expense of taste. What a deal!

Stranded in a desert and dehydrating? ALL GONE! will replenish your dried up system with only the finest organic matter available. Because we care that your stuck alone in a vast desert, and, more importantly, your bodily functions are in dire need because of a lack of electrolytes to propel you through the day!

Unlike "other" sports drinks, ALL GONE! is packed with earthly organic vitamins and minerals in the form of predigested liquids to accelerate, not deflate, your body's deserved demand for robust energy. This is because we carefully select our foods from only the most trusted agriculturalists from around the world before extracting them for optimum health. And we've received countless awards honoring our second-to-none science department of nutritionists, who are continually studying and strategically developing ingredient plans for maximizing your workout performance level.

In our commitment to reducing environmental impact, ALL GONE! is also devoted to recycling used plastic bottles found in alleys and streets, trash bins, and polluted streams and rivers. Plus, in our commitment to avoiding harmful chemicals, we do not reclean these recycled materials. A spiritual benefit to you, the green consumer, and, us, the cheap, money-grubbing profiteer! No other company can make this fantastic promise to environmental stewardship.

ALL GONE! is busy working to make it possible for your body to reach and exceed workout levels never envisioned. With our scientific studies and implementations of those results, we here at headquarters believe that you will be 100 percent satisfied with this elixir of life known as ALL GONE!

So say "ALL GONE!" to the "other" sports drinks, and "ALRIGHT!" to ALL GONE!

(Ingredients: beets, carrots, kale, seaweed, broccoli, twigs & stems, chlorella, spirulina, birch bark, black soil, lawn grass, alfalfa, daikon radish, chamomile, rutabaga, parsnip, salmon brains, turnip, hay, wheat grass, beet, parsley, wild blue algae, spinach, celery, lettuce, potato, tree leaves, sea salt, and many other unknowing herbs and greens, to include our newly discovered "alien organisms" from NASA space exploration!)

ALL GONE HARDCORE! is an additional new product we're proud about. HARDCORE! combines the energy demands of regular ALL GONE! with the demand for those ex-coffee drinkers.

Sluggish and can't seem to get going in the morning? Well ALL GONE HARDCORE! replaces your caffeine craving with questionable scientific nutrition that will give you the jolt needed--and then some! You'll motor around the work office like some child with a severe tantrum case, or out compete your high school star kid at the very sport they are suppose to beat the parent in. HARDCORE! gets you going and keeps you going THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH!

So, what are you waiting for? Don't walk, but run to your grocery store! And remember; say "ALL GONE!" to other coffee alternatives, and "ALRIGHT!" to ALL GONE HARDCORE!

(Ingredients: rock slime, animal rot, cow dung, poison ivy, campfire ashes, prickly thistles, acid rain, sheep wool, spider web, dog slobber, nutrient-rich compost, mold, snot, lice, bone, worm, and a whole host of others, to include our scientific breakthrough, "moving mud." Fantastic!)

(Side effects: diarhea, severe migraines, loss of appetite, stomach pain, uncontrollable vomiting, hallucinations, temporary paralysis, loss of reflexes, diminished vision, fever, impetus, comma, clamy skin, dry mouth, and at times a general lack of all bodily functions.)

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