Tuesday, October 24, 2006

application for employment

Personal Information

Name: Guido "DontordermearoundorIllblowaholeinyou" Lambuchi
Address: that mansion at the top of the hill
Previous address: a different mansion at the top of a hill
Phone: 227-8355 (C-A-R-T-E-L-L)

Do you have the legal right to work in the USA? No, but I can be very persuasive.

Type of work desired: The type that pays the most: ownership.
Date available: When I feel like it, punk.

Do you have a current drivers license? Yes, but I wouldn't recommend looking up my record, unless you wanna die.


Final grade completed: I dropped out early to help run the family business.

Subjects of special study or research work: I have read many books and consider myself an expert in preparing Italian meals.
Scholastic honors, scholarships, assistantships, etc.: I have been honored by my family and friends for taking out former crime lord and competitor, Jimmy V.
Licenses, certificates, publications, inventions, or patents: I am carrying a forged gun permit, and in a roundabout way I have a patent on all the freight traveling from here to the east coast.
Special training: Back-alley street fighting and weapons training in locally run mob academy.
Special skills: I can kill a man with my hands. Plus CIA-like experience in evading law enforcements.

Former Employers

Name of present or last employer: Conited Artists
Address: Hollywood, CA
Type of business: Illegal shipment of products disguised as legitimate film distribution company.
Position: Distribution Manager
Starting and Leaving dates: 2/2006 to 10/2006
Reason for leaving: The feds came and busted us down. Thankfully I got away.
May we contact your supervisor? No, Angelo's still serving his sentence.

Previous employer: Marco's Tropical Bar & Eatery
Address: somewhere in the Phillipine Islands
Type of business: An establishment where family and friends eat and do business together.
Position: Bar and Restaurant Manager
Starting and leaving dates: 6/2001 to 8/2005
Reason for leaving: A bad reference came to do business with a wire. The whole shindig went down in smoke and we had to bail.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I cannot locate my brother Marco. He is on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list.

Previous employer: Boats & Bullets
Address: various boats on the Atlantic Ocean
Type of business: Importing/exporting of weapons between the eastern US and western European borders.
Position: Transportation and Security Operator
Starting and leaving dates: 7/1998 to 3/2001
Reason for leaving: That new idiot president Bush passed tougher border controls. Up until that time the Coast Guard were very accomodating.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I killed the lying scumbag.


List three references who you have known for atleast one year: Carlos, Federico, and Vincente.
May we contact these references? Yes, but I wouldn't call them during the ball game or dinner. Otherwise there'll be a car waiting for you.

Have you been convicted of a felony within the last 5 years? No comment.

Comments: I am a very influential man. Things can get ugly for you if you do not agree to my demands, like the time I dropped a man in a pool of leeches. Your options are either a slow and painful death, or I will be taking over your business with no questions asked. You will find me to be the most generous of business partners: an 80/20 (me/you) split is considered more than fair considering I will bring in more money for you than your business has ever made. All you have to do is continue to use your business as a front for my plans.

You'll find me to be the most accomodating of associates, and I look forward to our business venture together.


PS- If your employees ever touch my Lexus, I will chain them to the back of my car and drive off.

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