application for employment

Personal Information

Name: Guido "DontordermearoundorIllblowaholeinyou" Lambuchi
Address: that mansion at the top of the hill
Previous address: a different mansion at the top of a hill
Phone: 227-8355 (C-A-R-T-E-L-L)

Do you have the legal right to work in the USA? No, but I can be very persuasive.

Type of work desired: The type that pays the most: ownership.
Date available: When I feel like it, punk.

Do you have a current drivers license? Yes, but I wouldn't recommend looking up my record, unless you wanna die.


Education

Final grade completed: I dropped out early to help run the family business.

Subjects of special study or research work: I have read many books and consider myself an expert in preparing Italian meals.
Scholastic honors, scholarships, assistantships, etc.: I have been honored by my family and friends for taking out former crime lord and competitor, Jimmy V.
Licenses, certificates, publications, inventions, or patents: I am carrying a forged gun permit, and in a roundabout way I have a patent on all the freight traveling from here to the east coast.
Special training: Back-alley street fighting and weapons training in locally run mob academy.
Special skills: I can kill a man with my hands. Plus CIA-like experience in evading law enforcements.


Former Employers

Name of present or last employer: Conited Artists
Address: Hollywood, CA
Type of business: Illegal shipment of products disguised as legitimate film distribution company.
Position: Distribution Manager
Starting and Leaving dates: 2/2006 to 10/2006
Reason for leaving: The feds came and busted us down. Thankfully I got away.
May we contact your supervisor? No, Angelo's still serving his sentence.

Previous employer: Marco's Tropical Bar & Eatery
Address: somewhere in the Phillipine Islands
Type of business: An establishment where family and friends eat and do business together.
Position: Bar and Restaurant Manager
Starting and leaving dates: 6/2001 to 8/2005
Reason for leaving: A bad reference came to do business with a wire. The whole shindig went down in smoke and we had to bail.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I cannot locate my brother Marco. He is on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list.

Previous employer: Boats & Bullets
Address: various boats on the Atlantic Ocean
Type of business: Importing/exporting of weapons between the eastern US and western European borders.
Position: Transportation and Security Operator
Starting and leaving dates: 7/1998 to 3/2001
Reason for leaving: That new idiot president Bush passed tougher border controls. Up until that time the Coast Guard were very accomodating.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I killed the lying scumbag.


References

List three references who you have known for atleast one year: Carlos, Federico, and Vincente.
May we contact these references? Yes, but I wouldn't call them during the ball game or dinner. Otherwise there'll be a car waiting for you.


Have you been convicted of a felony within the last 5 years? No comment.


Comments: I am a very influential man. Things can get ugly for you if you do not agree to my demands, like the time I dropped a man in a pool of leeches. Your options are either a slow and painful death, or I will be taking over your business with no questions asked. You will find me to be the most generous of business partners: an 80/20 (me/you) split is considered more than fair considering I will bring in more money for you than your business has ever made. All you have to do is continue to use your business as a front for my plans.

You'll find me to be the most accomodating of associates, and I look forward to our business venture together.

Signed,
Guido

PS- If your employees ever touch my Lexus, I will chain them to the back of my car and drive off.

skeptical advertising part 4

"Open! 7 nights a week through October"
PP: Then the pilgrims come and take over.

"Save $500 or More"
PP: On a purchase of $10,000 or More.

"TRADE IN YOUR USED CHAIN SAW* AND SAVE!"
PP: We'll exchange it for another used chain saw but sharpened.

"A LEADING CONSUMER TESTING MAGAZINE WARNS: IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO DUST, AVOID A BAGLESS VACUUM."
PP: Isn't it good to know our leaders are coming up with such insightful test results?

"Call for Open or League bowling"
PP: Cause the "Open" bowling might be closed.

"An organization that serves, serves... and keeps on serving."
PP: A little too much service for my taste. I was just hoping for some old fashioned service.

"Tired of yardwork?"
PP:Yeah, but unlike the realty ad, everyone knows that buying a house is the surest way to more yardwork.

"22 restaurants offering Buy One Get One Free Valued over $185 for only $20"
PP: Note: Some restaurants may be out of business.

"Catholic Daughters Annual Style Show"
PP: They don't like regular daughters I guess.

"INTIMIDATE THE SNOWFLAKES"
PP: Dress warm. You might be out in the snow for a while.

"I AM Woman... Hear Me SHOP!"
PP: But that would mean us guys would have to come shopping with you.

Housing: "PENDING"
PP: Pending the bind we're in for selling property on former nuclear test grounds.

smart raps

Someone here give me a quick rap beat...

I was looking for some booty,
instead she gave me tootie fruities,
so I told her I had kooties,
and she gave me the boot-y.


C'mon, G, c'mon, bring in the house...

I like to rap,
but I look like a sap,
can you teach me to adapt,
so I can have me some of 'that'!


SPREAD IT OUT, and bring it back in...

I'm just a boy
in need of some noise,
can you bring me my girl toy
so I can feel the joy.


YO YO YO! Listen up...

The girls think I'm on fire,
but all the sex makes me tired,
the cops got me on hire,
so I can nab the homies with a wire.


2x4=8,
that ought to get me a really smart date,
but just don't tell her I hate
her dumb sister Kate.

The Tough Club

Requirements include:

1. Play 'Ding Dong Ditch' with the school principal
2. Punch a brick wall with full force
3. Tell the school bully you'll meet him outside at 3pm sharp!
4. Drive your dirt bike through a newly remodeled home
5. Challenge the Road Warriors to a wrestling match (1 on 2, now that's tough!)
6. Play the running back position without any pads
7. Tell someone to kick you in the balls really hard
8. Peddle full board on a 10-speed and turn really sharp onto a sandy street
9. Throw snow balls at police cars
10. Break up with your really hot girlfriend because of schedule issues due to fulfilling the Tough Club requirements

Are YOU tough enough?!


Note: Helmet is optional.

Note 2: Tough Club requirements are considered fictional and shouldn't be considered realistic expectations from the author. Perverse, Inc. cannot be held responsible for your own stupidity.

skeptical advertising part 3

"WE'RE OPEN!"
PP: Is there any other way to have business?

"PAY NOTHING 'TIL April 2006"
PP: And watch all those free months be added into one lump sum thereafter.

"You're getting very dizzy. Now call ______ and get a subscription."
PP: Since when do newspapers offer free hypnotizing? This can be a good thing.

"Michelin - BF Goodrich - Uniroyal - Firestone - General
YES! WE DO ALIGNMENTS!"
PP: That would seem to make sense.

"Finally Here! Ghost Taxi"
PP: A boorific of an experience from the backseat.

tricky food labels

"Some settling may occur."
PP: Yes. Like the settlement between the manufacturer and the consumer group for not providing a fair amount of food to the consumer.

"Natural Flavorings"
PP: Coverup to hide the "alien" ingredients.

"Feed at room temperature"
PP: CAUTION: Highly volatile!

"Water sufficient to process"
PP: What the hell?

"Poultry by-products"
PP: If your gonna butcher a chicken than atleast use the chicken. Okay?

"Pyridoxine Hydrochloride"
PP: Nice to know my cats are running around drugged.

"Pure filtered mountain water"
PP: Straight from the tap.

"salt"
PP: The kind that eats your sidewalk. Your bones will love it!

"...with Mother of vinegar."
PP: Highly confusing and questionable attempt to be healthy.

skeptical advertising part 2

"QUALITY AT A DISCOUNT"
PP: discounted quality

"10% Off"
PP: Taxes make up for the difference.

"Enjoy a night on the town!"
PP: At your expense!

"Made for you. Made for a lifetime."
PP: Considering a lifetime sentence is only 20 years, I guess that isn't saying much.

"Forget about muddy and dusty roads forever!"
PP: Isn't that kind of an impossibility considering roads are made of dirt?

"Who you gonna call?"
PP: Ghostbusters?

"$8-$30"
PP: Make your mind up.

"10/88 cents"
PP: Too much work in my head. Round it to the next even dollar.

"YES... We're open again!"
PP: I'd better not ask why you were closed to begin with.

"SMELT FRY"
PP: I sure hope it does otherwise it wouldn't be considered food.

"All vehicles have $1000 Bonus Cash Back!"
PP: We raised the price, but you'll feel like your saving alot with the cash back.

"We have our Roots where others have their Branches."
PP: slightly confusing

"Call Chainsaw Dave Today!"
PP: Scary in a horror-like manner.

"Free Estimates!"
PP: Excessive Costs!

"The Largest Sale in our History is Almost Over!"
PP: Bankruptcy Sale!

"FURN1TURE First"
PP: I hope so considering this is a furniture store.

"1-800-DUMPCABLE"
PP: Nah. Better not inquire.

Cat language translated into english

[Evil eye stares]
PP: Just wait till you leave for work.

"Prrrrrr..."
PP: I will now stretch and sink my claws into your lap, wondering why you are screaming at me.

[Head bobb]
PP: Oh, a birdie! Unfortunately this damn window is blocking my path of attack.

[Snuggle]
PP: I love you. Now I can shed all over you, and in the other room there is a plant knocked on the floor.

[RAAAAR!]
PP: (1)You didn't pet me today! (2)I'm drawing territorial lines with that other cat I hate. (3)No, Mister. I am not in heat.

[ ]
PP: Human, I'm not listening to whatever scolding you are trying to give me.

[Looks up, pauses, and then walks away]
PP: Would you tell that damn dog outside to shut up.

[Lies stretched on back]
PP: (1) Well aren't I pretty? (2) What are you waiting for? Pet me.

[Crawls on desk]
PP: I will lay on the paperwork you are trying to get done.

skeptical advertising part 1

"First year FREE!"
PP: Second year twice the regular price of the first year.

"No Payments No Interest"
PP: Interest rate thereafter will be double the going rate."

"We can accomodate any credit rating"
PP: 40% APR. Not bad!

"BLOW OUT SALE!"
PP: Aged leftovers.

"One Day Sale"
PP: Hurry! We can't get rid of the crap.

"Candy 2/$1"
PP: Isn't that the same stuff from a few years ago?

"Baked Fresh"
PP: But delivered from the other side of the country.

"$1 for 1/2 gallon of chilled orange juice"
PP: Stockperson left it out overnight. Had to get rid of it in a hurry.

"Blended Juice"
PP: To cover up the aged smell from the one juice.

"2 for $4"
PP: 1 for $2. Don't get greedy on me.

"Homemade"
PP: Nothin' like the "homemade" taste of Auntee's Apple Pie that's sold by the crate full.

"These businesses support our local farmers with pride!"
PP: By buying the commercial brand from the grocery store. That helps.

acronym adjusting part 1

RDA: Recommended Daily Allowance
PP: Rapid Death Assistance

FDA: Food & Drug Administration
PP: Fat & Disease Accomodators

US Army: Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet -or in reverse- Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up

ACLU: American Civil Liberties Union
PP: Association of the Criminal Liberties Undertakings

SOS- Not a real acronym. MAYDAY is the common distress call or association to SOS.
PP: Sailor Offering Sex

PETA: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
PP: People Eating Tasty Animals

NASA: National Association of Sentencing Advocates
NASA: Negligent Attorney's Seeking Amnesty

POT: Pharmaceutical Optimized Treatment
If that wasn't enough-
PP: Puffing on Taxes

There are distinct differences between a Boy Scout and a Bad Boy

- The Boy Scout helps the elderly lady across the street safely.
- The Bad Boy helps the elderly lady in a wheelchair by pushing her down a hill.

- The Boy Scout helps direct the police officer to where the criminal ran.
- The Bad Boy points the officer in the opposite direction and giggles afterward.

- The Boy Scout politely asks for a glass of fruit punch at the school party.
- The Bad Boy empties a pint of his favorite rum or vodka into the punch bowl and has a toast with his friends.

- While passing the police man in the family vehicle, the Boy Scout gives a friendly wave to Officer Friendly.
- The Bad Boy gives an unfriendly hand gesture to Officer Friendly.

- The Boy Scout turns in his homework assignments on time.
- The Bad Boy copies the homework assignment from the Boy Scout.
- In return, the Boy Scout gets to keep his life.

- The Boy Scout runs in to the burning school and saves his fellow students. He is then honored for his courageous efforts in the local newspapers.
- The Bad Boy high-fives his fellow greasers in celebration while their school is burning. He then takes it upon himself to declare to his classmates that school has been dismissed for the rest of the day. The students all cheer and then leave.

- The Boy Scout sacrifices his coat so that a pretty classmate can walk over the puddle without getting wet.
- As the pretty classmate walks close to the puddle, the Bad Boy zooms over the puddle with his bike, soaking the girl.

- The Boy Scout must demonstrate to his Scout Master the proper "Boy Scout handshake."
- The Bad Boy's gang handshake is in the form of a punch into the shoulder blade.

- The Boy Scout uses his spare time for worthy charity causes.
- The Bad Boy considers "charity" to be giving his pals a free smoke.

- The Boy Scout continually does good, and yet the girls turn him down.
- The Bad Boy can make it all the way to third base just by being, well, bad.

Introducing ALL GONE!

The natural organic sports drink alternative for those needing a quick pick-me-upper.

Tired of those supposed "healthy" beverages with hidden high sugar contents and artificial ingredients? Well here at ALL GONE!, we not only add zero sugars to our organic sports drinks, but we also add an assortment of natural ingredients, which equates to zero taste for your quenching thirst. Health at the expense of taste. What a deal!

Stranded in a desert and dehydrating? ALL GONE! will replenish your dried up system with only the finest organic matter available. Because we care that your stuck alone in a vast desert, and, more importantly, your bodily functions are in dire need because of a lack of electrolytes to propel you through the day!

Unlike "other" sports drinks, ALL GONE! is packed with earthly organic vitamins and minerals in the form of predigested liquids to accelerate, not deflate, your body's deserved demand for robust energy. This is because we carefully select our foods from only the most trusted agriculturalists from around the world before extracting them for optimum health. And we've received countless awards honoring our second-to-none science department of nutritionists, who are continually studying and strategically developing ingredient plans for maximizing your workout performance level.

In our commitment to reducing environmental impact, ALL GONE! is also devoted to recycling used plastic bottles found in alleys and streets, trash bins, and polluted streams and rivers. Plus, in our commitment to avoiding harmful chemicals, we do not reclean these recycled materials. A spiritual benefit to you, the green consumer, and, us, the cheap, money-grubbing profiteer! No other company can make this fantastic promise to environmental stewardship.

ALL GONE! is busy working to make it possible for your body to reach and exceed workout levels never envisioned. With our scientific studies and implementations of those results, we here at headquarters believe that you will be 100 percent satisfied with this elixir of life known as ALL GONE!

So say "ALL GONE!" to the "other" sports drinks, and "ALRIGHT!" to ALL GONE!

(Ingredients: beets, carrots, kale, seaweed, broccoli, twigs & stems, chlorella, spirulina, birch bark, black soil, lawn grass, alfalfa, daikon radish, chamomile, rutabaga, parsnip, salmon brains, turnip, hay, wheat grass, beet, parsley, wild blue algae, spinach, celery, lettuce, potato, tree leaves, sea salt, and many other unknowing herbs and greens, to include our newly discovered "alien organisms" from NASA space exploration!)



ALL GONE HARDCORE! is an additional new product we're proud about. HARDCORE! combines the energy demands of regular ALL GONE! with the demand for those ex-coffee drinkers.

Sluggish and can't seem to get going in the morning? Well ALL GONE HARDCORE! replaces your caffeine craving with questionable scientific nutrition that will give you the jolt needed--and then some! You'll motor around the work office like some child with a severe tantrum case, or out compete your high school star kid at the very sport they are suppose to beat the parent in. HARDCORE! gets you going and keeps you going THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH!

So, what are you waiting for? Don't walk, but run to your grocery store! And remember; say "ALL GONE!" to other coffee alternatives, and "ALRIGHT!" to ALL GONE HARDCORE!

(Ingredients: rock slime, animal rot, cow dung, poison ivy, campfire ashes, prickly thistles, acid rain, sheep wool, spider web, dog slobber, nutrient-rich compost, mold, snot, lice, bone, worm, and a whole host of others, to include our scientific breakthrough, "moving mud." Fantastic!)

(Side effects: diarhea, severe migraines, loss of appetite, stomach pain, uncontrollable vomiting, hallucinations, temporary paralysis, loss of reflexes, diminished vision, fever, impetus, comma, clamy skin, dry mouth, and at times a general lack of all bodily functions.)

Safety Tips through the eyes of a pizza delivery driver

Delivery driver motto: Be fast on your feet, not on the street.
PP: Speed and take chances!

[Approaching a stop sign]
PP: No cop, no stop!

From the employee safety guidelines handbook: Never leave your car running alone. Someone might steal it.
PP: Who cares. It's a piece of @#$% anyway.

We guarantee delivery within 30 minutes or it's free!
PP: This location is proud to hold the state record for traffic violations. Like the time Jimmy decided to cut through a residents yard to save drive time. Or when the manager was short help one night and asked a new employee to deliver a pizza with his car even though she didn't have a license.

From the Department of Transportation: When a green stoplight changes to yellow, this means be prepared to stop.
PP: [Delivery driver laughs.]

More from the employee safety guidelines handbook: (1) Owning car insurance is the most basic and essential foundation for a safe delivery driver.
PP: "... yeah, dude, I'm getting a really nice rate on my policy. This is because I have none."

(2) Always attaching a lighted company delivery sign to your car displays a professional image as well as notifying other drivers and residents of your identity.
PP: "Hahaha... that's &%$#ing stupid, man. I've actually gotten myself out of a couple situations with the police. They were chasing me for going to fast on the main drag, so I ditched them and removed my car sign. I drove right by them later and they never even knew. So much for following the law."

Political language can sometimes be deceiving

Politician: No comment
Perverse Pencil: I'm guilty as hell!

President Bush: My new Clear Skies program will cut pollutants across the board.
PP: Future data results reveal pollution will increase by four fold compared to the Clean Air Act, to include several timely journalist snap shoots of children gasping for breath as the President declares his program a triumph.

P: I have no recollection of that name.
PP: My old golfing buddy. We've done many 'high wheeling deals' together at the private country club. But you didn't hear it from me.

P: I assure you the tax payers dollars are going to the appropriate funds.
PP: Like into my Carnival Cruises account.

P: The rumors on my having a mistress are false accusations trumped up by my political opponent. I have been a devoted husband and father throughout my marriage.
PP: It looks as though the mansion I want to purchase in the richies district is bankrupt considering my wife will take half of everything I own in divorce settlements.

P: It's been a real pleasure and honor to have served the people.
PP: And especially to my special interest pals which I helped fatten wallets for personal gain in return.

P: It is my promise and commitment to you to not add any new taxes.
PP: Except the "other" tax hikes that will not go in to affect until after my term.

[*Glowing* smile and choreographed circular hand waves like that in which you'd find at parades]
PP: It sure feels good to have won this tight and heated candidate race despite the backs I've had to stab.

P: Lets get a picture of the Governor playing ball with the neighborhood kids.
PP: We need the Governor to appear to connect with the average person, despite the fact that the multi-millionaire was born rich and has never had to sweat one day in his/her whole life.

P: Apparently my opponent could not be with us tonight for our live televised debate.
PP: [Hired hitmen are staging a suicide with the lifeless body they executed.]

Happy Valentine's Day from Johnny Vato

Everyone's favorite misguided mob man is having trouble with the same thing men the world over have trouble with every Valentine's Day: Expressing emotions to their loved one. Here are a few poems Johnny was working on that ended up getting him (1) a drink on his expensive dinner suit, (2) a plant pot crushed over his head, and, (3) his BMW rolled off a cliff. Be gentle, love birds. Johnny has feelings, too:

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
unfortunately the flowers I sent you
never quite made it through.

My love,
I promise you are the only one;
Please remind me
not to forget to pack the gun.

A tisket,
a tasket,
my love for you is displayed
with a funeral casket.

You are the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen;
Please remember this
when you've caught me with the pageant queen.