new car acronyms

I will add more as I think of them...


Buick
Buy Used, It's a Cash Kill

Camaro
Cams Are Making A Raunchy Odor

Chevy
Company Hires Engineers Very Young

Dodge
Don't Overdo Drive, Gears Exhausted

Ford
Former Owner Recommends Destroying
Failed Object Returned to Dealer
Faithful Owner Returns Dead

GMC
Gauge Malfunction Continues

Jeep
Just Estimate Every Problem 

Kia
Kills Individuals Annually

Ranger (Ford)
Rubbish, And Not Good Even Rebuilt

Saturn
Says Anything To Undo Repair Negligence


Others...

Clutch
Car Lucky Until Transmission Couldn't Hold

Mini (Van)
Mom's Industry Need Indefinitely

good use of taxpayer dollars

Millions of research dollars later, the International Committee on Psychology says:

Humanity's doomed. Lets go drink.

An interview with Michael Myers

I had the rare opportunity to do an interview with the one and only Haddonfield Horror (or Headache depending upon who you ask), aka Michael Myers. He was quite chatty, and he was suprisingly knowledgeable about his Hollywood surroundings. I'd even say he was intelligent and informing. We got along well, and he was quite tranquil for the time -- because he didn't kill me!



Interviewer: So Michael, what do you during down time?

Michael: watch

Interviewer: Are you seeing anybody about your condition?

Michael: I'm seeing a psychologist. After he gets me out of another tight jam with the law, he'll get it too!

Interviewer: Do you have a favorite Halloween food?

Michael: 'Cat Stuffed with Pumpkin'

Interviewer: You walk so slow, yet you're still able to kill. How is that?

Michael: When the victims are too stupid to follow their instincts, it's quite easy really.

Interviewer: Is Laurie really dead?

Michael: I dunno? The Hollywood execs keep bringing her back to life, so I kill every female I come across in case it really is her.

Interviewer: How about Doctor Loomis?

Michael: I gutted him because his constant cackling was getting on my nerves. Wouldn't you?

Interviewer: Yeah, I see your point.

Interviewer: Some complain that your kills are not as inventive as Jason's. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Well, I'm more your traditional killer. I like to grab-'em-and-gouge-'em. It gives me a higher success rate. I think my fans have come to appreciate that.

Interviewer: There are certain "alumni" that make repeat appearances in your films...

Michael: --Yeah, next time I will have to take off their heads. The old stab-'em-in-the-stomach must not be a certain enough of a kill.

Interviewer: All these sequels.....is that really the same "you" in them?

Michael: It is. The complaint was I wasn't walking as fluidly after the original film (Nick Castle), but when you've had as many lascerations and pumped with as many shells as I have been -- what do you expect?! Plus I'd put on a little weight in a few of them. I mean, I go in hiding the other 364 days of the year!

Interviewer: Some young fans want to know if you ever bathe?

Michael: Not usually, but sometimes I will dip in a pond or a lake. It really helps to clear my head and plan my next attack. I also have a large metal tub full of my victims' blood. I immerse myself in it to feel closer to them.

Interviewer: Do you have a significant other?

Michael: I use to, but I had to give them up. My mommy got jealous (in his head), and upon the dawn of every Halloween Day that *chime* would go off, telling me to KILL KILL KILL! There wasn't any point in becoming emotionally involved when the relationship wouldn't last more than a year.

Interviewer: Well that about covers it. I'd like to thank you for your time. Now, you're not going to kill me, are you?

Michael: Not to worry. You'd have to be NUTS to wanna do an interview with me. That is a reason in itself to keep you alive. [dark laughter]

Big Penis Syndrome

This syndrome can be characterized by the individual having many deficiencies, but as long as they have a large schlong, than all else is forgiven by their confidant. For example:

The Couch Potato-
I have no job, my gut is ever-expanding, and my idea of "physical training" is lifting a 12oz. or the remote. But as long as my peter doesn't shrink -- who cares!

Transportation-
Cars make great "f--k mobiles." Having a big pecker allows you to get by on even the rustiest of sorts for all that matters is you have a car -- any car! If you are not one of the gifted, you probably have to overcompensate by owning a vehicle a notch or two up in class. Hence the big penis owner has an advantage by saving money, too.

Character-
Well, you don't need one. You can be the biggest, most piggish prick imaginable, but as long as your big tool continues to perform at optimum girth and/or length, relationship tensions usually can be solved in the bedroom. The rest of us have to go see a psychologist (maybe to subconsciously address that our "size" is the "real" issue -- LOL!). No, life isn't fair.

Attire-
The grungy look is almost always acceptable to the beholder of a big one. Jeans with holes are OK provided they are attractively form-fitting. You can look like a right slob, but for the rest of us that means our main store outlet cannot be the Five & Dime, for clothing, not big penis, is all we have to feel adequate.

Education-
You can be the biggest idiot and still get by as long as he's giving her 'The Big O'. Many men have an inferiority complex (not mentioning names) and proceed to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars better educating themselves. These men strive to be the best in their field. They have a level of determination that is unmatched. Some become wealthy, and as a whole they are respected amongst their peers. However, many still end up feeling inferior to the person with the big penis. Hence why not all men were created equal.

skeptical auto advertising

"local trade"
T: I told my brother I'd help him get rid of this "lemon" in exchange for part of the profits.

"Balance of Factory Warranty"
T: A few miles and/or days left.

"Great Family Transportation"
T: Crayon marks all over the interior from the kids.

"Loaded"
T: It is we who are loaded with salesman BS.

"Hates Gas"
T: Some young punks poured sugar down the tank.

"Lotza Goodies"
T: With loads of mechanical suprises...

"8 pass"
T: No thanks. I'll just pass on her once.

"3.4L V6 is bad, loud knock, haul home $1200"
T: Keeper! LOL!

"Cute Small"
T: No backseat sex

"Looks like new"
T: Drives like old

"Flashy Interior"
T: Sunglasses recommended when driving

"Test Driven"
T: I think we can hide the *ticking* noise if we keep the fan on high.

"AWD"
T: The cars in control, not you

"1992 Chevy Suburban $3.375"
T: Bargain basement giveaway

skeptical advertising, part 5

"$5 mail-in rebate"
Translation: We just made an extra five bucks off you.

"5 piece steel folding patio set"
T: Comfortably cushionless

"$99.99 indoor/outdoor bar with stools"
T: Apparently it doesn't matter if it's raining when your drunk.

"Land-O-Lakes Fat Free Chocolate Milk"
T: But with all the sugar you're bound to put fat on.

"Better Value cat food $4.99"
T: Cost me more in the long run cause mine just look at it.

"Green Label 9" paper plates -- 88 cents"
T: 10 of these equals the durability of one of the "other" brands.

"Hy-Top Fruit Snacks"
T: Little fruit, lots of sugar

"Iron Out $7.99"
T: Porcelain out, too.

"Oklahoma/Iowa Steel Cattle Panel"
T: From across the country we've been helping farmers put their cattle in jail.

"18 inch Driveway Applicator"
T: How does the car fit in?

"Sportsman Generator"
T: Living the outdoor life is grand when you bring the city with you.

"Jersey Gloves"
T: Used for slapping New Yorkians

"Gas grill w/ tank"
T: Usually helps

Fal-Apart: The leading retail competitor to Wal-Mart

Many customers will give an untrustworthy eye to our products designed to compete, and beat, Walmart's. Skeptics will ask: How can they sell their products at much lower prices than the Big "W"? The answer is simple: Our products are made with a lot of hot air and filler. In other words, they're cheap. But backed with a 30-minute money back guarantee, you can't go wrong!

Our customer service is really what gets the community talking. Walmart prides itself on fakery plastic smiles, but you'll find noone of that lipstick service at Falapart. If we're moody, we don't mind -- and neither should you. Honesty goes a long way. Customers appreciate that. You'll also hear their employees speak artificial lines like, "I hope you enjoyed your visit at Walmart." Around here you're more likely to hear Vinny yell, "...and don't come back, cow!" Other customer service accolades include our employees roaming the aisles for no apparent reason at all. Or you'll hear our cashierists calling for help too many times to count. Don't be alarmed, we're doing our best. That's service!

Falapart prides itself on cleanliness. We've won many first-place awards. Have you ever heard the term "pigsty?" Yeah, that's right. You'll like tripping over last week's sale items, or the time a lady slipped on a puddle and cracked her head open because Bubba said, "Fuck it!" That lawsuit nearly put us under, but that's another story...

Our managerial support is unique and a class above the rest. 15-minute breaks turn into hours, and sometimes Fredo can be found in back smoking a doobie to Cheech & Chong's "Nice Dreams." One time even the District Manager showed up. We thought we were dead, but all he really said was: "Nice job. If this place blows over tomorrow, nobody will care. I've made more money for my bosses than you've ever seen. A nice promotion for myself and everybody wins... Now how bout showing me some respect and pass over that bong."

Unlike Walmart, we don't do none of that "outsourcing" of jobs. Government's legal department must rake in millions off them. All the products you see on our shelves are made right here in the good old U.S. of A. ...Huh, maybe that's why they're shit?... Anyhow, all our employees come from right here, too, or nearly... We hand pick our aliens from our fellow neighbors, Mexico. And since our government doesn't know the first thing about borders patrol, everyone is starting to do it. So it's all good to go.

Now getting back to those can't-be-beat prices, a few of this week's Falapart sale item comparisons are...

Walmart - Apple 2 GB Silver iPod Nano $147.88
Falapart - Lemon 2 GB Cracked iPod Zero $73.94 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Barbie Fashion Fever Dolls $5
Falapart - Generic Moody Bitch Dolls $2.55

Walmart - Classic Hasboro Board Games: Clue, Battleship, Life, Sorry $8
Falapart - Tragic Johnny Board Games: FBI's Most Wanted, Monopolize, Blow Up the World, Steroid Athlete $4

Walmart - Lifetime Pro Court Portable Basketball Goal $68.84
Falapart - Milk crate, ball, and nails $19.99 *Supersaver*

Walmart - Star Wars Darth Vader Voice Changer $10
Falapart - Pee Wee Herman Voice Changer $6

Walmart - XBox 360 Bundle $479.64
Falapart - Hot XBox 360 Bundle $239.92 *Supersaver*


Falapart: Where uncertainty can lead to a goldmine of savings!

Top 10 Environmental Movies

Environmentalist's are considered "wackos," and therefore "anti-people." So it's only natural to cheer for those movies which have a premise to destroy humans.


10. Jaws (1975)
An obvious choice, but it wasn't the shark's fault the kid on the air tube mimiced a turtle. And apparently experienced sharker's Shaw and Dreyfuss didn't heed Scheider's warning: "You're gonna need a bigger boat." Jaws lost in the end, but not before some good human-as-bait carnage and "don't go in the water" stupidity. The peaceful community of Amity was never the same.


9. Grizzly (1976)
The book says, "Giant, killer grizzly terrorizes a state park in this 'Jaws' rip-off." I'm more inclined to think it's the campers heads who get ripped-off. Such a shame. People just never learn to keep their food out of the tent.


8. Gremlins (1984)
This quaint Rockwellian family town gets a good dose of creature discomfort. The foolish father Peltzer is deaf to the wise man's warnings, and all hell breaks loose in the form of Gremlin death and destruction. I love the bar scenes and the general sense that free-loading mayhem is the norm amongst a bunch of bandits. (The Gremlins picked up on alcohol faster than a teenager could shout, "keg party!") I've never laughed so hard at human pain and suffering. A must-see in black and tragic comedy!


7. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1977)
When people don't eat their vegetables -- *SPLAT* happens! Due to neglect (and presumably competition from the fast food industry), tomatoes go on a rolling rampage of revenge. Next time consumers might think twice about those often overlooked healthy reds. (OK, so it's a fruit.)


6. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
A cult classic. There's nothing like the undead attacking the living innocent. Wobbling along at a snails pace, they just want to shake your hand -- and taste your flesh. The monsters could've done a little more than claw and moan, but I guess that's understandable with socialphobia.


5. Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958/1993)
"It's a man's world," but not any more. An abused housewife grows to gigantic proportions after an encounter with an alien. Then she takes revenge on others. Recommended to those who tire of testosterne ruling the world. Husbands specifically will have a new found appreciation for their wives.


4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
You know the routine. A group of youngians take a van ride and come face-to-face with cannibalistic psychos. Suprisingly it isn't the actual death scenes that are the most traumatizing but the moments leading up to them: the desolate property the kids approach, the constant humming of machinary (power-tooled cannibal activity presumably), and masses of human bones littering a room. In addition, the dynamite contrasting scene in which one of the captured girls sits at the dinner table in grave shock while the family are havin' a good ole time.

Director Tobe Hooper put the "s" in sicko, and it still is one of the most captivating pieces of grim realism. (How Wayne Bell's psychedelic masterpiece isn't available is beyond me.) BTW, Leatherface makes an excellent Bloody Mary.


3. The Birds (1963)
A classic statement from Hitchcock on environmental degredation due to human footprint. The role of conqueror becomes conquered. Hundreds of thousands of birds flock the inhabitants of Bodega Bay to peck their vengeance. Now if only the birds had pooped on the corpses would we have had a proper burial reading.


2. Soylent Green (1973)
"It's in the food!," shouts police detective Heston. When authorities sink to the darkest depths, the answer is to manufacture their own into food. Set in the 21st Century -- and if I might add, the food industry hadn't progressed much in the taste department.


1. Doctor Who: The Seeds of Doom (1976)

"The time has come. Animals have ruled this planet for millions of years. Now it is our turn."

"People are expendable, but the Krynoid is unique."

The granddaddy of them all. Two mysterious pods (Krynoids) are discovered frozen in the Antarctic. As expected, on of them is given artificial light and grows. It comes to life and bites a researcher, turning him into a walking green vegetable that kills. The Doctor manages to destroy the first, but nutso millionaire Harrison Chase has confiscated the second pod and brought it back to England.

Later the second pod finds a new victim and grows into a gigantic moving blob, possessing Chase as his servant. The Krynoid's purpose is to turn the vegetation hostile and grow to the point where it will germinate the Earth. Can the Doctor stop it in time? The scene where mercenary Scorby panics and bails out of the mansion, being attacked by greenery all around before succumbing to pond weeds, is a memorable one.

Valentine's Day with Johnny Vato

It's everyone's favorite misguided mob boss, Johnny Vato. He's come to dazzle the fraline's with such touching and emotional poems. The ladies will show their appreciation by: (1) a kick in the groin, (2) stepping on his new expensive shades, and (3) dumping a plate full of hot pasta in his lap. Johnny keeps getting it wrong, but try and avoid the three examples above by being nice, ladies. Johnny Vato is a few bucks short in the romance department. Here's suave Johnny:


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
a box of chocolates,
and I shall undress you.

Was that an orgasm,
or a muscle spasm?
Well, all that really matters
is that you don't get fatter.

My love,
you are like the stars above;
a rainbow across the sky,
and soon a piece of your pie.

I saw you from afar,
like a heaven-sent star;
too nervous to speak,
I offered the back seat.

Tow problems?

Tow Truck In A Box is a superior "scientifically (un)proven" traction device to help get your vehicle out of conditions such as gravel, sand, mud, snow, ice, water holes, lava, gigantic mud slides, avalanches, mammoth boulders, and tidal waves. It's easy as 1-2-3 to put together. Just take out the three steel traction devices from the advertisedboxthatcostsmorethantheproduct, and connect them together from the hinges, forming a chain. Then place the traction device under the front or rear of the wheel stuck. Shift your vehicle into the appropriate gear and drive out of the hole and into another. Repeat these steps until you get frustrated to the point of calling for a tow truck service. You'll be happy Tow Truck In A Box helped save the day for you by being late to that boring conference meeting, or wedding invitation from your best friend who stole your girl. Sure, your wallet will feel a little light from a product that is better served as decoration, but atleast you will be free from the personal misery of having to uphold a busy schedule.

Now lets take a brief moment to hear from some of our testimonials...

"I was crawling up this steep hill with my truck when all of sudden I got stuck. I quickly opened up my Tow Truck In A Box and placed it under my wheel. But before I knew it my truck started sliding down hill and ran over me while finally crashing at the bottom. I'm in a body cast now, but thanks to Tow Truck In A Box, my totaled truck isn't stuck anymore." -Crash

"Tow Truck In A Box is a safe and reliable alternative to a tow truck service. If you're stuck in a sheet of mud, you can connect enough of these steel traction devices together to form a ramp and drive out of the predicament. That of course would mean you'd have to spend over $500 in product to make a long enough ramp (when a tow truck would cost no more than $100), but so what. This product really works!" -Car expert

"Dude, I've been trying to onshore and sick the heavies with my gnarly style, but I kept mullering and swallowed the chowder too many times. It was a bummer because I kept looking like a grommet, and I had to bring my dings back to the shop all the time. But thanks to Tow Truck In A Box, I've created my own shore ramp. Now I'm stoked because I'm not pounding anymore, and these traction pieces really make great reflectors for sun tanning. Totally rad, man! -surfer dude [1]

Motor Trend calls it the "Outstanding Problem of the Year!"

Tow Truck In A Box is only $29.95 for three traction devices and comes with a 30 DAY Money Back Guarantee. Those who order within the next 15 minutes will get absolutely nothing except an insignificant certificate stating you were one of the few who bought this completely useless and cumbersome product in the first 15 minutes of its release.

Don't wait! Supplies are limited!

Designed to work AGAINST you!

That's Tow Truck In A Box
1-800-TOWPROB


Note: 30 DAY Money Back Guarantees are only refundable if you've actually tried getting stuck.

Beavis & Butthead out on the town

"Excuse me. Do you happen to know what time it is?"
B&B: "Uhhh..."

Really hot chick: "What are you staring at?!"
Butthead: "Dude, she rocks!"
Beavis: "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!!!" [Add heavy metal head-bobbing]

[inside a convenience store]
Butthead "Do you happen to have, uhhh... any free food?"
clerk: "Get the hell out here, losers!"

Teacher: "The quadrant of ____ is____."
Butthead: "Would someone tell this dude to shut up before I kick his ass in."

Butthead: "Life is really tough, dude. I can't decide if I want to jam to the fridge for fear of missing a really cool tv commercial."
Beavis: "Yeah, man!"

application for employment

Personal Information

Name: Guido "DontordermearoundorIllblowaholeinyou" Lambuchi
Address: that mansion at the top of the hill
Previous address: a different mansion at the top of a hill
Phone: 227-8355 (C-A-R-T-E-L-L)

Do you have the legal right to work in the USA? No, but I can be very persuasive.

Type of work desired: The type that pays the most: ownership.
Date available: When I feel like it, punk.

Do you have a current drivers license? Yes, but I wouldn't recommend looking up my record, unless you wanna die.


Education

Final grade completed: I dropped out early to help run the family business.

Subjects of special study or research work: I have read many books and consider myself an expert in preparing Italian meals.
Scholastic honors, scholarships, assistantships, etc.: I have been honored by my family and friends for taking out former crime lord and competitor, Jimmy V.
Licenses, certificates, publications, inventions, or patents: I am carrying a forged gun permit, and in a roundabout way I have a patent on all the freight traveling from here to the east coast.
Special training: Back-alley street fighting and weapons training in locally run mob academy.
Special skills: I can kill a man with my hands. Plus CIA-like experience in evading law enforcements.


Former Employers

Name of present or last employer: Conited Artists
Address: Hollywood, CA
Type of business: Illegal shipment of products disguised as legitimate film distribution company.
Position: Distribution Manager
Starting and Leaving dates: 2/2006 to 10/2006
Reason for leaving: The feds came and busted us down. Thankfully I got away.
May we contact your supervisor? No, Angelo's still serving his sentence.

Previous employer: Marco's Tropical Bar & Eatery
Address: somewhere in the Phillipine Islands
Type of business: An establishment where family and friends eat and do business together.
Position: Bar and Restaurant Manager
Starting and leaving dates: 6/2001 to 8/2005
Reason for leaving: A bad reference came to do business with a wire. The whole shindig went down in smoke and we had to bail.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I cannot locate my brother Marco. He is on the FBI's "Most Wanted" list.

Previous employer: Boats & Bullets
Address: various boats on the Atlantic Ocean
Type of business: Importing/exporting of weapons between the eastern US and western European borders.
Position: Transportation and Security Operator
Starting and leaving dates: 7/1998 to 3/2001
Reason for leaving: That new idiot president Bush passed tougher border controls. Up until that time the Coast Guard were very accomodating.
May we contact your supervisor? No, I killed the lying scumbag.


References

List three references who you have known for atleast one year: Carlos, Federico, and Vincente.
May we contact these references? Yes, but I wouldn't call them during the ball game or dinner. Otherwise there'll be a car waiting for you.


Have you been convicted of a felony within the last 5 years? No comment.


Comments: I am a very influential man. Things can get ugly for you if you do not agree to my demands, like the time I dropped a man in a pool of leeches. Your options are either a slow and painful death, or I will be taking over your business with no questions asked. You will find me to be the most generous of business partners: an 80/20 (me/you) split is considered more than fair considering I will bring in more money for you than your business has ever made. All you have to do is continue to use your business as a front for my plans.

You'll find me to be the most accomodating of associates, and I look forward to our business venture together.

Signed,
Guido

PS- If your employees ever touch my Lexus, I will chain them to the back of my car and drive off.

skeptical advertising part 4

"Open! 7 nights a week through October"
PP: Then the pilgrims come and take over.

"Save $500 or More"
PP: On a purchase of $10,000 or More.

"TRADE IN YOUR USED CHAIN SAW* AND SAVE!"
PP: We'll exchange it for another used chain saw but sharpened.

"A LEADING CONSUMER TESTING MAGAZINE WARNS: IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO DUST, AVOID A BAGLESS VACUUM."
PP: Isn't it good to know our leaders are coming up with such insightful test results?

"Call for Open or League bowling"
PP: Cause the "Open" bowling might be closed.

"An organization that serves, serves... and keeps on serving."
PP: A little too much service for my taste. I was just hoping for some old fashioned service.

"Tired of yardwork?"
PP:Yeah, but unlike the realty ad, everyone knows that buying a house is the surest way to more yardwork.

"22 restaurants offering Buy One Get One Free Valued over $185 for only $20"
PP: Note: Some restaurants may be out of business.

"Catholic Daughters Annual Style Show"
PP: They don't like regular daughters I guess.

"INTIMIDATE THE SNOWFLAKES"
PP: Dress warm. You might be out in the snow for a while.

"I AM Woman... Hear Me SHOP!"
PP: But that would mean us guys would have to come shopping with you.

Housing: "PENDING"
PP: Pending the bind we're in for selling property on former nuclear test grounds.

smart raps

Someone here give me a quick rap beat...

I was looking for some booty,
instead she gave me tootie fruities,
so I told her I had kooties,
and she gave me the boot-y.


C'mon, G, c'mon, bring in the house...

I like to rap,
but I look like a sap,
can you teach me to adapt,
so I can have me some of 'that'!


SPREAD IT OUT, and bring it back in...

I'm just a boy
in need of some noise,
can you bring me my girl toy
so I can feel the joy.


YO YO YO! Listen up...

The girls think I'm on fire,
but all the sex makes me tired,
the cops got me on hire,
so I can nab the homies with a wire.


2x4=8,
that ought to get me a really smart date,
but just don't tell her I hate
her dumb sister Kate.

The Tough Club

Requirements include:

1. Play 'Ding Dong Ditch' with the school principal
2. Punch a brick wall with full force
3. Tell the school bully you'll meet him outside at 3pm sharp!
4. Drive your dirt bike through a newly remodeled home
5. Challenge the Road Warriors to a wrestling match (1 on 2, now that's tough!)
6. Play the running back position without any pads
7. Tell someone to kick you in the balls really hard
8. Peddle full board on a 10-speed and turn really sharp onto a sandy street
9. Throw snow balls at police cars
10. Break up with your really hot girlfriend because of schedule issues due to fulfilling the Tough Club requirements

Are YOU tough enough?!


Note: Helmet is optional.

Note 2: Tough Club requirements are considered fictional and shouldn't be considered realistic expectations from the author. Perverse, Inc. cannot be held responsible for your own stupidity.

skeptical advertising part 3

"WE'RE OPEN!"
PP: Is there any other way to have business?

"PAY NOTHING 'TIL April 2006"
PP: And watch all those free months be added into one lump sum thereafter.

"You're getting very dizzy. Now call ______ and get a subscription."
PP: Since when do newspapers offer free hypnotizing? This can be a good thing.

"Michelin - BF Goodrich - Uniroyal - Firestone - General
YES! WE DO ALIGNMENTS!"
PP: That would seem to make sense.

"Finally Here! Ghost Taxi"
PP: A boorific of an experience from the backseat.

tricky food labels

"Some settling may occur."
PP: Yes. Like the settlement between the manufacturer and the consumer group for not providing a fair amount of food to the consumer.

"Natural Flavorings"
PP: Coverup to hide the "alien" ingredients.

"Feed at room temperature"
PP: CAUTION: Highly volatile!

"Water sufficient to process"
PP: What the hell?

"Poultry by-products"
PP: If your gonna butcher a chicken than atleast use the chicken. Okay?

"Pyridoxine Hydrochloride"
PP: Nice to know my cats are running around drugged.

"Pure filtered mountain water"
PP: Straight from the tap.

"salt"
PP: The kind that eats your sidewalk. Your bones will love it!

"...with Mother of vinegar."
PP: Highly confusing and questionable attempt to be healthy.

skeptical advertising part 2

"QUALITY AT A DISCOUNT"
PP: discounted quality

"10% Off"
PP: Taxes make up for the difference.

"Enjoy a night on the town!"
PP: At your expense!

"Made for you. Made for a lifetime."
PP: Considering a lifetime sentence is only 20 years, I guess that isn't saying much.

"Forget about muddy and dusty roads forever!"
PP: Isn't that kind of an impossibility considering roads are made of dirt?

"Who you gonna call?"
PP: Ghostbusters?

"$8-$30"
PP: Make your mind up.

"10/88 cents"
PP: Too much work in my head. Round it to the next even dollar.

"YES... We're open again!"
PP: I'd better not ask why you were closed to begin with.

"SMELT FRY"
PP: I sure hope it does otherwise it wouldn't be considered food.

"All vehicles have $1000 Bonus Cash Back!"
PP: We raised the price, but you'll feel like your saving alot with the cash back.

"We have our Roots where others have their Branches."
PP: slightly confusing

"Call Chainsaw Dave Today!"
PP: Scary in a horror-like manner.

"Free Estimates!"
PP: Excessive Costs!

"The Largest Sale in our History is Almost Over!"
PP: Bankruptcy Sale!

"FURN1TURE First"
PP: I hope so considering this is a furniture store.

"1-800-DUMPCABLE"
PP: Nah. Better not inquire.

Cat language translated into english

[Evil eye stares]
PP: Just wait till you leave for work.

"Prrrrrr..."
PP: I will now stretch and sink my claws into your lap, wondering why you are screaming at me.

[Head bobb]
PP: Oh, a birdie! Unfortunately this damn window is blocking my path of attack.

[Snuggle]
PP: I love you. Now I can shed all over you, and in the other room there is a plant knocked on the floor.

[RAAAAR!]
PP: (1)You didn't pet me today! (2)I'm drawing territorial lines with that other cat I hate. (3)No, Mister. I am not in heat.

[ ]
PP: Human, I'm not listening to whatever scolding you are trying to give me.

[Looks up, pauses, and then walks away]
PP: Would you tell that damn dog outside to shut up.

[Lies stretched on back]
PP: (1) Well aren't I pretty? (2) What are you waiting for? Pet me.

[Crawls on desk]
PP: I will lay on the paperwork you are trying to get done.

skeptical advertising part 1

"First year FREE!"
PP: Second year twice the regular price of the first year.

"No Payments No Interest"
PP: Interest rate thereafter will be double the going rate."

"We can accomodate any credit rating"
PP: 40% APR. Not bad!

"BLOW OUT SALE!"
PP: Aged leftovers.

"One Day Sale"
PP: Hurry! We can't get rid of the crap.

"Candy 2/$1"
PP: Isn't that the same stuff from a few years ago?

"Baked Fresh"
PP: But delivered from the other side of the country.

"$1 for 1/2 gallon of chilled orange juice"
PP: Stockperson left it out overnight. Had to get rid of it in a hurry.

"Blended Juice"
PP: To cover up the aged smell from the one juice.

"2 for $4"
PP: 1 for $2. Don't get greedy on me.

"Homemade"
PP: Nothin' like the "homemade" taste of Auntee's Apple Pie that's sold by the crate full.

"These businesses support our local farmers with pride!"
PP: By buying the commercial brand from the grocery store. That helps.